05/10/13 - Graduate Musings

Warning: this might be a little less upbeat than my blog tends to be.  It's been a while since I've done a chatty, update-y post on here and I need to get a few things off my chest.  Writing stuff down really helps me get them out of my head, so just bear with me. If you don't want to read my ramblings, I will entirely understand and you should get out now before it all gets a bit personal and self-indulgent.  This is your last chance...three, two, one...

I am currently curled on my sofa, sipping hot honey and lemon and feeling sorry for myself.  It's nearly two o'clock and I'm still in my pyjamas.  I have no intention of leaving the house today.  And I don't even have the excuse of being ill...my only problems are a rather scratchy throat and a total lack of motivation.  Since I finished working about six weeks ago, I've diligently filled my days.  I get up at nine every day, I go for at least a half hour walk to get out of the house, I plan and write blog posts, and I spend so much time applying for jobs.  I am aware that the chance of me skipping straight out of uni and into a decent job is slim-to-none, but rejection after rejection can be a little disheartening...but I haven't let it get me down.  Until now.


Having spent a couple of days in Hull, coming home was a bit of a shock to my system.  I think going back really reinforced the sad truth of it all; that I am, in fact, not going back.  I knew that I'd miss the student life - lazy days and crazy nights suit me so much better than a nine-to-five routine.  I knew that I'd miss the freedom and independence that comes with flying the parental nest.  I knew that I'd miss my friends - so many of my favourite people live in Hull at the moment that it feels like I'm really going to miss out by not being there.  But I never imagined for a split second that I would miss Hull as a place as much I do.  When I got off the train and stepped outside the station, I felt a strange sense of coming home.  I haven't felt that way since I set foot back into Liverpool after my first year away.  Following that, the journey back and forth became second nature so that for the next three years, being in either place didn't seem to be such a big deal any more - they were both my home.  But being away from Hull and knowing that I won't properly be going back really affected the way I felt when I returned.


It was amazing to see my gorgeous friends again and really let my hair down in the way only we can.  Leaving them again and knowing that they would all be together for the next year while I'm on the other side of the country was a bit of a blow not only to me, but for them as well.  Maybe I shouldn't have gone back during Freshers Week; coming to visit at the same time as they all moved back for the next academic year kind of made it feel as though I was going to be there long-term as well.  Over the course of the two days I was there, the subject of me moving back to Hull was raised many times.  At first, it was joking, a 'wouldn't-it-be-great-if' kind of thing.  By the time I was leaving, it was beginning to be considered as a genuine plan.  In some ways, it makes sense.  Living in Hull is so much cheaper than living...basically anywhere else in the country.  It's maybe not the big adventure I always had planned for myself after graduation, but it's more adventurous than staying here.


I am in genuine quandry right now.  I don't want to stay in my parents' house for too long - it would be so easy to slip back into the routine of being at home and not having to take responsibility for things like bills and laundry.  I never dreamed that moving back to Hull would be a viable option for my post-graduation life, as most of the jobs for the fields I want to work in are in London.  However, that's not working out for me thus far and at least in Hull I'd have a support network, I'd be used to the surroundings and there's no commitment to stay for too long, as it would be as much as stop-gap as living at home is now.  While it seems like an ideal situation in some ways, there is a part of me that is scared that going back even for a year is a sign that I can't let go of my university life.  Is it a pathetic attempt to hang onto it for as long as possible?  Is it a sign of defeat, a refusal to join the 'real world' just yet?  Would being surrounded by students make being the only one with a degree and (hopefully) a job more difficult?  And part of me worries that moving to anywhere, let alone Hull, won't alleviate the sense of aimlessness I've been experiencing lately.  I like to be busy, I like to have challenges and goals, I thrive under pressure.  Having any job is preferable to no job, but ideally I want to be taking the first steps on the journey to some kind of actual career.


I wish I had the temperament (and the funds) to
live my life this way.
I realise I am lucky.  Lucky to have parents who are willing to have me back after graduation, lucky to have amazing friends all over the country who can put me up for a few nights should I need an escape, lucky in all sorts of ways.  I know a lot of people are currently in my position and not all of them are as lucky as I am.  I'm not the only person struggling with graduation blues, I'm sure.  There must be hundreds of people feeling as lost and confused as I am.

So what do you think?  Would you, my loyal readers, judge me if I upped sticks and retreated back into a strange half-student limbo for a year?  Should I stick it out at home for a little longer as way of saving up some money?  Or should I just jack it all in and move to an ashram in India or a bohemian commune in Prague?  (Both unlikely, but it's a nice idea).  Either way, no matter what I decide and what I end up doing in the near year, I'm making a resolution now to do something.  I am determined to stop wallowing in self-pity and to stop waiting for things to happen to me.  And I hope you'll be along for the ride.



Normal service will resume shortly; I have a few posts lined up which are much more fun this one was!

6 comments:

  1. If I wasn't doing my MA I'd be in the exact same situation! Just go for what's going to make you happy, and don't worry about what other people are going to say or think :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Being a graduate isn't all the fun it was sold to me as :P I might be seeing you in Hull very soon if this feeling doesn't go away! xxx

      Delete
  2. Do what makes you happy :) I have a job and I still feel the blues, especially after visiting James this weekend - reminded of the student life! miss you lots, maybe you could come and visit again or I will come to you in the not so distant future. love you xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think that it's probably student life that I miss more than anything...it would be weird to go back without youuuu! :(

      We'll definitely do something soon, I miss you so much! You know you're always welcome here for a weekend if you fancied it :D xxxxxxx <3

      Delete
  3. I graduated last month from my MSc degree, I understand what you are going through. I am trying to find a job too.
    If being in Hull makes you feel better maybe you can go back.
    Wishing you all the best!
    x
    Stella from a A Shiny Place

    Stella from a A Shiny Place

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's such a difficult time, everything's in limbo and sometimes you just have to do the thing that makes you feel happiest at the time...and for me, that might be going back to Hull!

      I hope you find something soon, I'm sure you will :) xxx

      Delete